Face Masks and Literary Masturbation

I know that title has everyone going : What the hell kind of crack is Sarah on, Literary Masturbation? So naturally, I'm going to write about face masks first, just to fuck with your little minds.

So my darling sister brings me, about a month ago, a face mask. 'Sarah,' she tells me, 'It's so wonderful but since it's made all from fresh ingredients it needs to be used by day after tomorrow and Courtney and I have already used it. You finish up the rest.' I, being the person I am, think sure, why not? A face mask never killed anyone.
Yet.
Anyways, I grab this face mask after my shower that night, I slather it all over my face and I GO TO HEAVEN. It's this dark, chocolate colour, and it is made from chocolate and delicious things that smell glorious and leave my face beautiful and smelling pretty. I think to myself, MY GOD WHAT A FIND! An excuse to slather chocolate over my skin and relax for ten minutes? I am so in.
So I tell Sam, my darling sister, to pick me up more face cream. Perhaps a kind which will help to exfoliate my skin because winter makes me look like a reptile in the midst of shedding it's old hide. So she reads me a bunch of descriptions from a fancy pamphlet and I choose one. Brazen Honey, it's called. I'm thinking Oh wonderful, a delicious, honey scented face mask with which to bask in nasal heaven.
Well holy mother of the FSM was I ever wrong.
This stuff, while it smells OK, is not at all as wonderful smelling as the chocolate I had previously experienced. And while it did a fabulous job on my face, that I certainly won't contest, it was of a rather watery consistency that I did not relish slathering on my mug. It dried as i waited as well, which was horribly uncomfortable.
The worst part was the colour. As a mother, it goes against every thought ingrained in my body to put baby poop coloured stuff on my skin intentionally, let alone my face. But I did it anyways. It really wore down the mental conditioning of a lifetime. Like trying to pee in an armchair. A lot of the time, you just can't do it!

Anyways, my face is now fabulous, but you really do have to suffer for beauty I suppose.
Literary Masturbation must wait until tomorrow, since it is now 1 minute past my work time and I am going home.
Mwahahahahahaha!!!