This new motto happens to be:
Unless life also handed you water and sugar, your lemonade's going to suck.
This is so true. In so many ways. It can also be expressed as:
I hate you, upbeat people. Go hold your breath and count to one hundred.
I find both accurately depict my sentiments towards upbeat people. The ones who look cheerful exercising. The ones who think that pregnant women should allow others to willfully molest their abdomens. The ones who think that pregnant women want to A) Exercise, B) Have Fun While Exercising or C) Do anything other than pretend they are not the size of a blimp!
I hate happy people somedays. Alldays.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Face Masks and Literary Masturbation
I know that title has everyone going : What the hell kind of crack is Sarah on, Literary Masturbation? So naturally, I'm going to write about face masks first, just to fuck with your little minds.
So my darling sister brings me, about a month ago, a face mask. 'Sarah,' she tells me, 'It's so wonderful but since it's made all from fresh ingredients it needs to be used by day after tomorrow and Courtney and I have already used it. You finish up the rest.' I, being the person I am, think sure, why not? A face mask never killed anyone.
Yet.
Anyways, I grab this face mask after my shower that night, I slather it all over my face and I GO TO HEAVEN. It's this dark, chocolate colour, and it is made from chocolate and delicious things that smell glorious and leave my face beautiful and smelling pretty. I think to myself, MY GOD WHAT A FIND! An excuse to slather chocolate over my skin and relax for ten minutes? I am so in.
So I tell Sam, my darling sister, to pick me up more face cream. Perhaps a kind which will help to exfoliate my skin because winter makes me look like a reptile in the midst of shedding it's old hide. So she reads me a bunch of descriptions from a fancy pamphlet and I choose one. Brazen Honey, it's called. I'm thinking Oh wonderful, a delicious, honey scented face mask with which to bask in nasal heaven.
Well holy mother of the FSM was I ever wrong.
This stuff, while it smells OK, is not at all as wonderful smelling as the chocolate I had previously experienced. And while it did a fabulous job on my face, that I certainly won't contest, it was of a rather watery consistency that I did not relish slathering on my mug. It dried as i waited as well, which was horribly uncomfortable.
The worst part was the colour. As a mother, it goes against every thought ingrained in my body to put baby poop coloured stuff on my skin intentionally, let alone my face. But I did it anyways. It really wore down the mental conditioning of a lifetime. Like trying to pee in an armchair. A lot of the time, you just can't do it!
Anyways, my face is now fabulous, but you really do have to suffer for beauty I suppose.
Literary Masturbation must wait until tomorrow, since it is now 1 minute past my work time and I am going home.
Mwahahahahahaha!!!
So my darling sister brings me, about a month ago, a face mask. 'Sarah,' she tells me, 'It's so wonderful but since it's made all from fresh ingredients it needs to be used by day after tomorrow and Courtney and I have already used it. You finish up the rest.' I, being the person I am, think sure, why not? A face mask never killed anyone.
Yet.
Anyways, I grab this face mask after my shower that night, I slather it all over my face and I GO TO HEAVEN. It's this dark, chocolate colour, and it is made from chocolate and delicious things that smell glorious and leave my face beautiful and smelling pretty. I think to myself, MY GOD WHAT A FIND! An excuse to slather chocolate over my skin and relax for ten minutes? I am so in.
So I tell Sam, my darling sister, to pick me up more face cream. Perhaps a kind which will help to exfoliate my skin because winter makes me look like a reptile in the midst of shedding it's old hide. So she reads me a bunch of descriptions from a fancy pamphlet and I choose one. Brazen Honey, it's called. I'm thinking Oh wonderful, a delicious, honey scented face mask with which to bask in nasal heaven.
Well holy mother of the FSM was I ever wrong.
This stuff, while it smells OK, is not at all as wonderful smelling as the chocolate I had previously experienced. And while it did a fabulous job on my face, that I certainly won't contest, it was of a rather watery consistency that I did not relish slathering on my mug. It dried as i waited as well, which was horribly uncomfortable.
The worst part was the colour. As a mother, it goes against every thought ingrained in my body to put baby poop coloured stuff on my skin intentionally, let alone my face. But I did it anyways. It really wore down the mental conditioning of a lifetime. Like trying to pee in an armchair. A lot of the time, you just can't do it!
Anyways, my face is now fabulous, but you really do have to suffer for beauty I suppose.
Literary Masturbation must wait until tomorrow, since it is now 1 minute past my work time and I am going home.
Mwahahahahahaha!!!
Friday, December 5, 2008
Stop Calling This A Coup!
A coalition between the Liberals, the NDP and the Bloc is most certainly NOT a coup.
If someone were to walk into parliament, shoot steven harper in the face, take control of ALL communications within Canada and proclaim himself (or herself) to be the supreme ruler of Canada, now THAT you could call a coup.
This is merely the largest group of house seats telling Steven Harper that they will not do as he says. They are combining their power (and therefore the votes they received) to become the head of government. This measure is a safeguard built into Canada's constitution, to ensure that we don't have an ineffective minority government in a time of crisis. Because I can (and will) give you a quick rundown on how the government would run itself into the ground over the next few years without a change of government.
Conservatives: OK so here's what we're gonna do.
Liberals:NO
NDP:NO
Bloc:NO
Conservatives: Ummm.. ok well maybe this then.
Liberals: NO
NDP: NO
Bloc: NO
Conservatives *take it up the ass*
Wow look at that. Nothing is accomplished because there is no one party in control and Harper and Dion are too stubborn to make concessions, and none of the other parties are large enough to make a difference on their own.
This is what parliament would look like after this coalition took over:
Coalition: Here's what we're doing.
Conservatives: NO
Coalition: Shame you're only a quarter of the votes here, eh? Pass that bill.
Canada: OH MY GOD WE DON'T HAVE TO WEAR POTATO SACKS AS CLOTHES!
Now, this is what you could call a 'loose interpretation'. It gets my point across though, doesn't it?
This has happened before, so I don't want to hear words like 'unprecedented' and it's in our constitution, so I don't want to hear words like 'illegal'.
I've also heard a lot of "Well then our vote doesn't count!!!" Yes, yes it does.
You see, only enough people voted for Harper to give him a minority government. Harper won I believe 37% of the vote. That means that 63% of Canada looked at their ballots and checked boxes that said either Liberal, NDP, Bloc or Green. Therefore, votes do count. They can only form this coalition because they are agreeing to work together and combine their votes (which amount to their house seats, which amount to the number of votes they get in the house) to work towards an effective government.
I'm moving on now, to the bailout of the Auto industry.
This is perhaps slightly biased because I depend on this industry for my paycheque. You'll get over it.
Why are people complaining about the government considering bailing out Automakers? In case nobody here in Ontario has noticed, that's A LOT of our provinces income, which is already steadily declining. If they bankrupt, so do the majority of their employees. Quite a few people who work in plants making cars got their jobs straight out of the high school. What else are they going to do? They can't run a computer the way a 20 year old can. They can go be a greeter at walmart, or serve fast food, sure, but really, how much of a pay cut is that? That's not enough to cover their families, their homes, or their lives. It's not just a matter of saving some bigwigs who make money off you buying a new car. It's a matter of saving the people who, like you, had no say in the companies financial policies and who didn't expect a recession to hit so hard, so suddenly. There's no reason to punish the innocent workers because of matters they had no control over.
That's my rant. I'm sick of unintelligent, uneducated people who think they know what politics are.
YOU ARE MAKING ME HATE YOU, RETARDED HILLBILLIES!
If someone were to walk into parliament, shoot steven harper in the face, take control of ALL communications within Canada and proclaim himself (or herself) to be the supreme ruler of Canada, now THAT you could call a coup.
This is merely the largest group of house seats telling Steven Harper that they will not do as he says. They are combining their power (and therefore the votes they received) to become the head of government. This measure is a safeguard built into Canada's constitution, to ensure that we don't have an ineffective minority government in a time of crisis. Because I can (and will) give you a quick rundown on how the government would run itself into the ground over the next few years without a change of government.
Conservatives: OK so here's what we're gonna do.
Liberals:NO
NDP:NO
Bloc:NO
Conservatives: Ummm.. ok well maybe this then.
Liberals: NO
NDP: NO
Bloc: NO
Conservatives *take it up the ass*
Wow look at that. Nothing is accomplished because there is no one party in control and Harper and Dion are too stubborn to make concessions, and none of the other parties are large enough to make a difference on their own.
This is what parliament would look like after this coalition took over:
Coalition: Here's what we're doing.
Conservatives: NO
Coalition: Shame you're only a quarter of the votes here, eh? Pass that bill.
Canada: OH MY GOD WE DON'T HAVE TO WEAR POTATO SACKS AS CLOTHES!
Now, this is what you could call a 'loose interpretation'. It gets my point across though, doesn't it?
This has happened before, so I don't want to hear words like 'unprecedented' and it's in our constitution, so I don't want to hear words like 'illegal'.
I've also heard a lot of "Well then our vote doesn't count!!!" Yes, yes it does.
You see, only enough people voted for Harper to give him a minority government. Harper won I believe 37% of the vote. That means that 63% of Canada looked at their ballots and checked boxes that said either Liberal, NDP, Bloc or Green. Therefore, votes do count. They can only form this coalition because they are agreeing to work together and combine their votes (which amount to their house seats, which amount to the number of votes they get in the house) to work towards an effective government.
I'm moving on now, to the bailout of the Auto industry.
This is perhaps slightly biased because I depend on this industry for my paycheque. You'll get over it.
Why are people complaining about the government considering bailing out Automakers? In case nobody here in Ontario has noticed, that's A LOT of our provinces income, which is already steadily declining. If they bankrupt, so do the majority of their employees. Quite a few people who work in plants making cars got their jobs straight out of the high school. What else are they going to do? They can't run a computer the way a 20 year old can. They can go be a greeter at walmart, or serve fast food, sure, but really, how much of a pay cut is that? That's not enough to cover their families, their homes, or their lives. It's not just a matter of saving some bigwigs who make money off you buying a new car. It's a matter of saving the people who, like you, had no say in the companies financial policies and who didn't expect a recession to hit so hard, so suddenly. There's no reason to punish the innocent workers because of matters they had no control over.
That's my rant. I'm sick of unintelligent, uneducated people who think they know what politics are.
YOU ARE MAKING ME HATE YOU, RETARDED HILLBILLIES!
Friday, November 7, 2008
My Tea is Orange
I am stuck drinking Tetley tea, and I think I may be sick because of it. I was looking through the awesome tea collection we have here at work (mostly due to my influence) and barely any of our teas are ok for me to drink while pregnant, because they're all full of funky herbs. Do you know how many flavoured teas have rasberry leaf in them? YIKES. Or Sassafras, or Aloe Vera? Most of my favourite teas are off limits. I've been stuck with basic blacks, and don't get me wrong, i love my darjeeling. Especially my makaibari, that's my favourite tea ever. But still, a girl likes a little variety! And at work I've run out of darjeeling unexpectedly, so I have to drink this stupid tetley. It's got an awful colour to it, it's all orange and dark.. nasty.
Seriously though. I haven't been able to eat yet today because I've been throwing up so hardcore. It's awful. I am having a terrible morning.
Seriously though. I haven't been able to eat yet today because I've been throwing up so hardcore. It's awful. I am having a terrible morning.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Last one today, I promise
So I was just amusing myself until my work day drags to an end when I read a bumper sticker on facebook that says:
"Because of Edward Cullen I'm staying single until I find a vampire"
All I can really say to this is.. Thank The FSM. Now you won't reproduce, you stupid, stupid hobag. You know what a hobag is? A bag full of stupid hos.
"Because of Edward Cullen I'm staying single until I find a vampire"
All I can really say to this is.. Thank The FSM. Now you won't reproduce, you stupid, stupid hobag. You know what a hobag is? A bag full of stupid hos.
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